As open as some of us may be when it comes to talking about sex with our friends, or seeing it on television, tackling the subject head-on with a partner is a very different story. There’s a level of vulnerability that can come into play when it’s time to open up about our sexual needs and desires. We either worry about being judged or making the other person feel like they aren’t good enough. Which are both valid reasons, however, sex is meant to be enjoyed. It’s a time to connect with your body and your partner. So, what’s the use in shying away from making it more worthwhile?
When we open up about our sexual needs we’re leaving little room for error. If your partner knows what and how you like things, it’s essentially unlocking the cheat code to sexual satisfaction. On both ends.
When you feel satisfied, you’ll be more inclined to give that satisfaction. Also, you’ll feel more at ease opening up and trying new things that may take your sex life to another level. And I get it, this all sounds great and beautiful–but it’s sometimes easier said than done.
To be honest, I’ve been there. My boyfriend and I have been together now for 3-years and there was a bit of a learning curve in the bedroom, to begin with. My needs are more specific and it wasn’t until I opened up about them that we both started to feel more connected.
Research shows that couples who talk constructively have more satisfying sex and generally happier relationships. Here are some tips on how you too can open up with your partner about your sexual needs:
Take The Conversation Outside Of The Bedroom
Nothing ruins the mood more than a serious conversation. Instead of sparking things up just as you’re about to get it on, hold off until another time that is comfortable for the both of you. Maybe over dinner, or while you’re snuggled on the couch together catching up on shows. You’ll both feel more comfortable than being hit with something heavy on the spot.
Have The Conversation When You’re In A Good Place
Telling your partner you aren’t satisfied right after sex is bound to make them feel defensive or insecure. Also, don’t bring it up if you’re upset about something else or in the heat of another argument. What you want to convey will get lost in translation, and may make matters even worse than either of you intended. Wait until you’re both in good spirits to have the conversation, so there aren’t any guards up.
Ask What Their Needs Are First
It can sometimes be easier to ask the other person what their needs are before starting off with your own. Ask your partner about what turns them on, what are some things they’d love try in the bedroom, what their favorite positions are, what you do specifically that turns them on and so forth. This will make you feel more at ease and willing to segue into your own needs.
Talk About What You Like, Instead of What They’re Doing Wrong
Once the conversation gets brought up, instead of telling your partner what they’re doing wrong–focus on what would be right, for you. For example, instead of saying “you never want to give me oral sex” say something like “when you give me oral sex it really sets things off and puts me in the mood.” This will pique your partner’s interest and can actually turn the both of you on in the process.
This also goes hand in hand with things that may make you feel uncomfortable. So, if you get self-conscious when the lights are on, but your partner never seems to want to turn them off, say something like: “When the lights are on during sex I’m more in my head, but when we turn them off I feel free and much more in the moment.” This not only signals to your partner that they need to be more mindful, but it will make you feel more liberated. You aren’t allowing yourself to be forced into an uncomfortable situation, and are instead making a change that brings you satisfaction.
Lastly, Keep The Conversation Going
Talking about your sexual needs with your partner shouldn’t be a one and done situation. It’s a conversation that should be brought up continuously. As human beings, our needs change, and it’s good to keep the lines of communication open throughout your relationship. If things begin to pick-up in the bedroom, vocalize it. Tell your partner you loved the last time you had sex, and specify what made it particularly special. They may, in turn, open up with you, and make you feel special as well.
Sex isn’t one size fits all. And with a little communication, before you know it, you’ll adopt a routine that’s perfect for both you and your partner.