A few weeks ago, I took my first breathwork class, and in one of the exercises, they asked us to scream. Yes, to scream and release any emotion we were feeling. We could scream or yell out words, whatever came to mind. I was intrigued by this and caught off guard because I had no idea this was part of the class, but nevertheless I was game. I didn’t know what would come up, but I allowed myself the space to be as open as possible.
I listened as the teacher counted down “3, 2, 1…” and just let it all out. To my surprise, between my screams were the words “I’m happy!” And as I continued to allow these words to escape my lips they became more and more real. And I became increasingly emotional. Tears streamed down my face as I yelled “I’m happy! I’m finally free!” Because for the first time, these words rang true in my life.
I’ve spent a majority of my life unhappy.
Behind the smile on my face and “life of the party” facade, there was always a deep sadness within me. A lot of hurt, disappointment, trauma, guilt, you name it, rolled into one. Yet, despite these overarching feelings I’ve always had a small lingering voice in the back of my mind telling me this would pass, and I’ve used that tiny glimmer of hope to get by all these years. I didn’t know how or when I’d find true happiness, but I allowed myself some room for optimism despite it all.
2020 has been a tumultuous and inexplicable year for so many of us. However, within this storm, I’ve been able to finally find my peace.
It’s as if I’ve been cracked wide open and the core of who I am has been given the opportunity to see the light of day once again. I gave up fighting against the current and have been riding the wave these past 6 months, which has led me to freedom.
I’ve chosen 3 words to help guide me as I transition into my 31st year: Ease, Trust, and Confidence.
I have given up the fight, the feeling of lack, and am dedicated to living a life of ease. Allowing peace and certainty to lead the way. The best way to do this is through having trust, not only in myself but in the fact that God has and will always hold me down.
As for confidence? I’m tired, exhausted actually, of shrinking myself. In the past, I’ve wanted to be more “likable” to not make anyone feel less than by my presence, so I tucked this confidence away. Only let it come out in small pockets. But I’ve realized that I know who I am, I know my intentions. So, showing up as my whole confident self is okay, despite how anyone else feels.
Now that I’m 31, I actually feel like I’ve made it to my 30’s. I’m ready to continue riding this wave, and growing along the way.
I am happy. I am free.